I’m sitting here in front of my computer screen with my coffee listening to the low rumble of the laundry going and the kids off in the living room reciting their fast facts to their teacher, Mommy.
I can also hear the baby cry, the microwave beep, and my older siblings laughing about something. Perhaps me. It’s not unheard of.
One day that’s going to go away… If I ever manage to get married.
That’s a sad thought… I mean, really, what if I don’t get married! 😉
On a serious note, most of us will get married and leave our families to cleave unto our spouse. We need to know now, while we’re single, what to look for. Yes, we all have our list, (and some are longer than others) but I have 7 must-have qualities that christian singles ought to look for in a future spouse and NEVER ever budge on.
#1 They Must Be Born-Again Christians
This is not optional!
Marrying an unbeliever will bring extreme complications into the already complicated process of having to serve another person for the rest of your life.
Why make that process harder by arguing about doctrine and how you want your kids growing up spiritually? And don’t say you won’t argue about it. Your faith ought to influence your entire existence. That’s going to be problematic if your spouse disagrees with the very thing that your worldview is based upon.
If you’re a serious christian, you ought to want to raise your family to be serious Christians too. But if your spouse isn’t into that, you can bet your bottom dollar that things are going to go down about it.
Not good things, my friends.
2 Corinthians 6:14 KJV “Be not yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?”
Don’t say you weren’t warned. I don’t want you to suffer through that! Save yourselves from grief and find someone else who is on the same page as you, spiritually.
#2 They Must Be Hardworking, Humble Servant
Ladies, don’t go assuming that this one is just for the guys. Guys, don’t be fooled into thinking you need a lady to be your Cinderella. This goes both ways.
If the person you’re considering ISN’T pushing down walls and working hard to be what God wants them to be, YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY THEM.
If they have no dreams, aspirations, or drive to make the world a better place, YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY THEM.
Ladies, if you have to hound him about getting a job, cleaning up after themselves, or getting motivated, he’s not what you want.
Guys, if she has no desire to help you, learn how to help you, or have responsibilities, she’s not what you want.
Find someone who has a servant’s heart. That doesn’t mean you’re looking for a slave. It just means you’re looking for someone that cares about others and is working hard to make a difference in other people’s lives for Christ.
If they don’t put any effort into anything, they are NOT going to put effort into their marriage either. If they don’t serve others, they won’t serve you. If they aren’t hardworking as a single, marriage isn’t going to magically change that.
Humility and diliogence in serving others is a character trait from God. Do NOT marry someone who lacks it.
Acts 20:35 KJV “I have shewed you all things, how that so laboring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive.”
#3 They Must Be In Obedience To Their Authority
This is a biggie.
If the person you’re interested in is not respecting and obeying authority, YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY THEM.
If they are disrespectful to parents, if they have no regard for the law, if they talk bad about their church leaders, or if they aren’t obeying God, YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY THEM.
Guys, if she doesn’t obey and respect her dad, she ain’t gonna respect you. Not a chance. She may play respectful for a while, but once your will clashes with her will, she is not going to want you to lead. Find a girl who is a true leader. One with respect for authority and a servant to the people under her.
(DISCLAIMER- If she has daddy issues from abuse or abandonment, that’s a different situation. You need to make sure she’s forgiven and moved past it emotionally before you marry her. She may not be ready to submit to authority from another man because of how her father abused his authority. A Christian girl who has gone through this should have a strong foundation with her Heavenly Father and therefore be able to have a healthy relationship with you. But if not, do not marry her until she has found that relationship and it’s a strong one.)
Girls, if he doesn’t treat his mom with respect, don’t expect him to treat you with respect. I don’t care how much he says he loves you and respects you. When the honeymoon phase is over, and you do something he doesn’t thinks is cute anymore, you’re going to find out just how respectful he really is.
If they’re not respecting earthly authority, they’re not respecting God. If they’re not respecting God, they’re not someone you should give your heart to. Therefore, you should not get hitched!
Hebrews 13:17 KJV “Obey them that have rule over you and submit yourselves…”
John 14:15 KJV “If you love me, keep my commandments.”
Ephesians 6:1 KJV “Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right…”
2 John 1:6 KJV “And this is love, that we walk after His commandments…”
#4 They Must Be Attending and Serving In The Local Church
I view this as very basic, but not too many people do.
There’s the old phrase that says, “Love is spelled T-I-M-E.” If someone really loves God, they’ll be spending their time serving Him and being in His house. Not making excuses about how they don’t have time.
It’s refreshing to see someone, especially a young person, serving God in the little things. Serving God doesn’t only mean you’re a missionary in a foreign country, up in the pulpit preaching, teaching a sunday school class, or serving as a deacon.
It could just mean that you take out the trash or sing/play specials. Perhaps you vacuum, set up chairs, clean in the kitchen, serve food, work sound, lead the singing, count the offering, play piano, greet people at the door, type up the bulletin, scrub the toilets, mow the lawn, keep the books, write to the missionaries, sweep the walkway, serve in the nursery, assist a sunday school teacher, or buy things the church needs.
Anyone and everyone can and should have a job serving and helping in the local church. If he or she isn’t making any effort to serve at church for the God they supposedly love, they aren’t going to properly love and serve you.
Galatians 6:10 KJV “As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them that are of the household of faith”
#5 They Must Be Real, Honest, And Appropriate On Social Media
This one is easy to overlook. But, with our social media driven society, you have two testimonies.
How you act in real life and how you act on the internet.
And they ought to be in sync.
If he/she acts differently online than they do in reality, that ought to be a red flag. If they are very self-focused online, or maybe they are very ranty (I think I just made up a word…) or angry online, YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY THEM.
You should be just as concerned with that person’s social media testimony as much as their reality’s testimony. Don’t fall for a double minded person who says one thing and lives another.
Guys, imagine if your woman told you how much she loved you and appreciated you, but then went on Facebook and ranted to her friends about how you never do the dishes or take out the trash. That’s not building you up. It’s also not honest.
James 1:8 KJV “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways…”
And a double minded woman is not attractive either…
#6 They Must Be Concerned About Growing Spiritually Themselves
Yes, you should find someone who helps you grow in the Lord. But if that person isn’t concerned about growing themselves, how will they help you?
Find someone who has regular devotions, prays to their God for guidance, and has a real burden about taking their next spiritual step towards becoming more like the Lord.
This one is pretty simple. They have to put on their gas mask before they can help you put yours on. They have to be inspired to walk with God before they’ll ever inspire you to.
If they don’t have devotions, prayer, or a burden, DO NOT MARRY THEM. That’s called settling for lukewarm and mediocre.
No one likes a mediocre person. And no one ought to marry one either.
Matthew 5:6 KJV “Blessed are they which hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.”
#7 They Must, Must, MUST Be In Control Of Their Emotions
This is sooooooooooooooo important!!!!!
The bible has so much to say about us being in control of our emotions. Probably because it’s a major issue we humans deal with. We tend to be very emotionally driven (especially women).
Proverbs 21:9 KJV “It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.”
Proverbs 15:18 KJV “A wrathful man stirreth up a strife, but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.”
Proverbs 25:28 KJV “He that hath no rule over his spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.”
Ladies, PLEASE DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH AN ANGRY MAN. It will not go well with you and you cannot change him. Don’t let yourself suffer at the hand of a man who cannot control his anger. If he cannot control himself, neither can you control him.
You are risking your very safety and the safety of your future family.
Guys, PLEASE DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH AN ANGRY WOMAN. She will not build you up. She will tear your confidence down and she will not respect you or your authority. If she cannot control herself, neither can you control her.
Let’s all do ourselves a massive favor and avoid people who are not in control of their emotions.
And it’s not just anger. If they are sad, depressed, bitter, or lack self-confidence, YOU SHOULD NOT MARRY THEM.
Ladies, the man needs to figure out who he is FIRST so that he can be that man for you. Be there for him as a friend and let him mature and grow up before you go trying to marry him.
Guys, a girl who can’t even respect herself will never be able to respect and build you up the way you need to be. A woman with no confidence is NOT a damsel in distress. She’s someone who doesn’t know or believe her own God-given worth and she needs time to grow closer to God and find herself in Christ for what He says she is.
If that person has no confidence from God, you’ll never be able to persuade them to confidence. That person is focused on themselves in a negative way and they aren’t ready to be married and committed to another person. You telling them they’re pretty, smart, or kind will not give them a godly confidence. You may end up helping them develop a false sense of pride, though.
And that’s no bueno.
These 7 traits things should never ever be compromised when considering someone for a future spouse. Never ever for any reason whatsoever!
If you want someone with those 7 qualities, you must first HAVE those 7 qualities! Work on yourself to become the very person you want to be with. That way when that godly guy or girl is ready to be married, in God’s perfect timing, they’ll find you doing the Lord’s will.
A godly person isn’t going to settle for someone who isn’t at their same level of spirituality or maturity.
YOU must become the person God created you to be,
1. a born-again Christian,
2. hardworking, humble, and a servant,
3. obedient to authority,
4. a servant of the Lord and the church,
5. real, honest, and appropriate on social media,
6. concerned about and growing spiritually,
7. and in control of your emotions.
Don’t expect to find that person until you are actively praying to become that person yourself.
And never EVER compromise or waste your time on someone who isn’t actively praying and working hard to become that person.
Seek Adventure with Christ,